I’m going to start by letting you know this blog post isn’t going to be all sunshine and rainbows, so I’m going to give you a trigger warning for suicidal ideation. I am going to be as honest and transparent about my experiences with this as possible and this will not be a negative projection of this topic at all, but if this is something you are uncomfortable with then I just wanted to give you a heads up.
Now that’s out of the way, I’m going to start by sharing something that I haven’t spoken about publicly before. I have always experienced emotions extremely intensely and I have often found my emotional pendulum swinging wildly out of control, and have subsequently struggled to keep my feet on the ground and keep control of myself and my life in the way I feel is expected of me. There are often periods of time where I go to bed every night and happily imagine my life force slowly draining out of me until my mind is empty and peaceful. The next morning I wake up and feel a heaviness in my chest that makes me feel like I want to cut myself open and tear it out. The image of my own self destruction hangs above the mantelpiece in my mind.
When I was 23, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, which at the time gave me some kind of relief from this feeling, an excuse, perhaps, that this was just something that couldn’t be helped. It almost felt easy to suddenly accept that maybe I actually just had an illness that basically meant I was a terrible person who couldn’t control my own emotions and was probably going to be a problem to anyone I let into my life, so I began to withdraw and become a martyr of my own making. On top of this, life dealt me a card at exactly this point that forced my hand a little, and made pulling away from people I loved the obvious choice. A story in itself, but that isn’t something I want to delve into today.
Back to the point…Lately, I have had the creeping visions of ending my own life rolling on loop during every ad break of my day.
A poster of me plummeting from a height.
“Wish you were here?”
My coffin disappearing behind the curtain at the crematorium.
“Book your fantasy escape now”
Dark, huh? Well, honestly, not really no.
The reason I have always been afraid of speaking publicly about these thoughts is because I fear people thinking I need an intervention, I’m ‘sick’ again, or this is a cry for help. These beliefs reinforce the shame I have tied to these feelings and I know how isolating that can feel. The real reason I’m sharing this today is because this is my way of showing up for myself, and , as special as I like to believe I am (I am obviously the main character, right?), I know I am not the only person on the planet feeling like this on a regular basis, and I desperately want to connect with other people and do what I can break down some of the stigma surrounding these feelings. This is something I have felt really strongly about for a long time, but I have always remained silent for fear of judgement. Judgment on either end of the spectrum, from “attention seeking loser”, “crazy bitch”, to even the questionably well intended “U okay, hun?”.
To be honest, I no longer want to carry my BPD diagnosis as a burden, or as part of my identity at all. In fact, I very much reject it. I have worked hard to challenge my beliefs and behaviours and I no longer want to be a martyr. I want to try use my experiences to have a positive effect on other people, even if that is just making someone feel less alone.
I've come to accept, that as troublesome as they are, these thoughts own a holiday home in my mind and to be honest, as uncomfortable as it is, as long as I remember they’re only on vacation, I can live with that for now. I’m sure that when they move out, their contrary cousins will move in and bring back the crippling fear of dying. Ahhh what can I say, my mind is the circus and I am the clown. Honestly, none of these guys would be the first to get an invite to my birthday party (if I ever had one), but they’re part of me and I don’t hate them. You do you, my horrible little dudes.
Jokes aside, this was still really scary for me to actually post and I definitely feel anxious and uncertain about it but I've been feeling all bent out of shape, like I'm holding so much of myself back all the time and I wanted to make a step to change that. I really care about this book project, I'm starting to be able to see it come to life and I don't want my fear of being my raw honest self to become a hurdle to me creating something genuine that people will be able to truly connect with.
If you would like to leave a comment on this then I would really appreciate it. I can’t reply to comments left on my blog and it won’t show your e-mail address publicly, so if you just want to share your thoughts or feelings without having to engage in a conversation this would be a good place to share. If you want to remain anonymous then you can enter my email address in the field (amy@miserablebeasts.com) :)
8 comments
BPD is difficult. Thank you for sharing your honest thoughts. I respect this journey you are on and what I respect even more is how you are working through what it means to you. I struggle with MH issues myself, and so often people who don’t fall into the pit of despair over it exult in it. It’s like one or the other. I worry about hurting people.
But some… They use the energy to hurt people. Someone I used to know, as they say, used their diagnosis to gloriously destroy and hurt everyone in their path without a thought and even now thinks they do no wrong. Everyone else is “the problem.” They have abused and destroyed with no thought. I don’t wish that despair we feel on anyone. But… one can be an asshole and it has nothing to do with their illness. That’s not what I see here.
You are taking it one moment at a time and I am so glad that you shared and continue to share your art and yourself.
Hi. When you started your post I thought immediately to myself when I was entering my mid twenties and got diagnosed with bpd. I accepted it like a blessing. Finally an explanation for why I was the way I was and a confirmation that I was doomed and would die young, because what other end a person lile me could have? I did try a few times a couple of years ago. Each worse than the last and have all the marks. It was so frightening and painful, but I felt like I had an obligation to do that bacause I didn’t know what else to be and uncertainty scares me terribly. Anyway, thankfully some crucial things changed in my life and people who loved and cared about me finally were able to reach me through all this pain and I started getting better. Not perfect, the thoughts still come and stay for a vacation once in a while, as you said. The things is I decided I wanted to give back the love I was receiving and that saved me and do something with my art that could bring a smile to someone in a hard day. I also wanted to start being braver about the things I really was and that I was casting aside to focus on the bpd. I’m happier now and building something that brings me and other people joy and I hope to do i for as long as I can.
This all to say that I believe in you, your dolls and the story you want to tell. I say to my friends that are struggling that if a lost cause like me turned out to not be so lost in the end, than we can all make it. I hope you have many wonderful days ahead and your heavy thoughts become more bearable. I love your creations :)
I get a lot of what you’re saying. MH struggles are too real. You make beautiful unique work. I think you’re a cool person and amazing artist.
There is power in sharing things about ourselves to people. I don’t know if it gives you any relief in putting it out there, but I know whenever I share a part of myself with others it has a tremendously cathartic effect. You are a fantastic artist and the interactions I have had with you have all been lovely. You are a great human, and every single person has their flaws and demons and skeletons in their closet. Keep going, you got cool shit to bestow upon the world.
First time to visit your blog. I wish I had the ability to write something that would be helpful to you. I love your art and the monsters that you make, super miserable puppet fan, me.